5 Insights to Manage Suffering
According to Merriam Webster, suffering is to endure death, pain or distress, or to sustain loss or damage. Adversity, or suffering, is a natural part of the human condition and is something we all undergo. The Buddhist concept of Duhkha highlights this, as the first Noble truth of Buddhism is that, essentially, life consists of suffering. Adversity is inevitable. But, adversity can be turned into opportunity. The lows of life are only possible due to the highs; in a way, pain shines light on the nature of happiness. Adversity provides us with moments to display our strengths and hone the skills important to our well-being — emotional regulation, reframing, self-talk — strengths that we surely will use again, because adversity is inevitable. Acknowledging that suffering can be an opportunity, how can we begin to embrace it?
Find Your Meaning and Purpose:
Look to the words of Victor Frankl for an example of what it looks like to persevere through tragedy. A Viennese psychologist forced to close his private practice and sent to a concentration camp in 1942, he went on to found a discipline of psychology centered on meaning after being freed.
“The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity — even under the most difficult circumstances — to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not. … Such men are not only in concentration camps. Everywhere man is confronted with fate, with the chance of achieving something through his own suffering”
Frankl talks about the power we have when we face adversity to perceive and interpret it the way we choose. A moment of suffering is not just a sensory experience, it is a moment we can interpret to find meaning within it. Tragedy can be perceived as a challenge, or as a piece in a story that will be overcome. Or, he compares, the tragedy can just be experienced, the adversity can just be experienced, with no appraisal of meaning or attitudinal shift. Looking deeply for a framing of adversity which contributes to meaning in your life or adding to your purpose can be a driving force in overcoming a difficult time.
Self-compassion:
Looking at an adversity in a way that adds to the stories where you find meaning, whether reappraising difficulties as challenges or enduring adversity because chasing higher value or goal is more important to you, is one way to deal with suffering. Self-compassion is another tool in our toolkit that can help us be more gentle to ourselves, and end up more resilient to difficulties.
We may feel the urge to rationally solve the problems we face in our lives as they come, but just as important to our ability to continue doing that, is taking care of our mental well-being along the way. Self-compassion pushes us to not punish ourselves in moments of adversity. Being gentle to yourself, forgiving yourself for what you perceive as mistakes, and transforming self-talk to be positive and encouraging are tools that ensure that as you’re solving problems, you’re not eroding the well-being that is enabling you to do so. As with Frankl’s example, understanding that tragedy is universal and part of the human condition and that all humans are fallible and make mistakes, you can be more sympathetic to yourself when facing difficult times or having made a mistake.
Connection:
As important as emotional regulation is to deal with adversity, the tools we have external to us are important to. Human connection is a necessary addition to maintain our well-being, and whether it is with a counselor or therapist, or speaking with a friend or loved one, it is important to move out of spaces of isolation and into spaces of support. Friends can act as emotional regulators, helping you catch thoughts that are distorted, that you can dispute once spoken out loud.
Letting Go of Control:
Letting go of control means to focus less on how you think reality should function, and instead accept reality for what it is. A large part of the cognitive distortions we have are due to rigid thoughts, that span from “I must never make mistakes” to “They should be more fair to me”. The reality is, that these words, “must” and “should” are really making statements about reality that come from the desire to control reality, which is understandable, but problematic. Deepak Chopra’s Law of Detachment, in a way, asks us to get rid of these “shoulds”; reality is a certain way, and we can work to manipulate it in ways that are within our control, and accept the rest of it. The Law of Detachment focuses on allowing those around us to be who they are, accept uncertainty, and remain open to all possibilities in life, which in his words will lead to “experiencing the fun, adventure, magic and mystery of life.”
Grow in Generosity of Spirit:
The example of Archbishop Desmond Tutu in his anti-apartheid activism is inspiring. His generosity is a model that many of us would love to emulate.
“My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together” — Desmond Tutu
Desmond Tutu understands the universality of adversity and how it is reflected in the human condition. What continued to drive him, as Victor Frankl, would say, is deriving meaning from reducing the suffering of others. Difficult situations can in fact, drive action when they are appraised in ways that contribute to a sense of purpose.
The way we appraise adversity contributes heavily to the way we feel about it and how we confront it. Experienced on its face, it may overwhelm us and trigger cognitively distorted negative thoughts. With no self-compassion or disputation, we may isolate ourselves and upset ourselves at the lack of control.
Or, adversity can be seen as an inevitability of the human condition. This ubiquity can comfort us and allow us to be more compassionate with ourselves. We can dispute our cognitive distortions and reframe the adversity to fit within a life purpose or be more meaningful to us. Moving out of isolation by seeking connections and support, we can change what we can about our adversity and work to accept the rest.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms- to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Viktor Frankl
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