Appreciating Shadow: Pacifying Anger, Fear, and Sadness.
Nicole Wilcox
My shadow friend and I didn’t always get along…but that is when I would let her consume me.
Shadow is wide-eyed and curious, and I love that about her, but she can be impressionable and quick to tire. Before learning to live with Shadow, Shadow used to let emotion consume her. She would sometimes see the world through a different lens, like a funhouse mirror, distorted in the wrong ways. A small inconvenience like a parking ticket could send her reeling, or an innocuous comment by a loved one could consume her thoughts for weeks.
Shadow was angry. When I got mad at others, when something really bothered me, I could feel her bubbling — growing wild and casting herself over me. She would encourage letting all that emotion out, whether through yelling or throwing a tantrum. Deep down, I would know that for my well-being, it would be right to act after my strong feelings had passed me by, but Shadow would swirl and pivot incessantly, encouraging a reaction.
Shadow was fearful. She would twist and turn wildly, bouncing from edge to edge instead of remaining centered. Anything involving risk, from boarding an airplane to the moments before a job interview, would trigger her to lose her center and ricochet violently. Other times, she was paralyzing and she would avoid at all cost. Even when I was able to wrangle her, as I was focused on keeping my cool giving a presentation during a meeting, Shadow would boomerang throughout me.
Shadow was apathetic. During hardship, she would thicken into a heavy ball-and-chain, sinking into herself. She could interpret inklings of disappointment as tragedies, overreacting and gluing herself to the ground. If gone unchecked, it became hard to move with Shadow sulking. She would turn shades of grey and paint the world around me monochrome.
I felt like a skier navigating past hurdle after hurdle, tree after tree, boulder after boulder. It was exhausting having to keep my center while Shadow morphed into her different forms. I had responsibilities to tend to, and a sense of purpose driving me forward, and I couldn’t cave to Shadow’s suggestions in the face of adversity. But ignoring her didn’t work either. The tension that came from her reactions and my attempts to stay centered was unpleasant. I couldn’t just work through her, I had to learn to work with her.
I remember moments where I turned the tide.
During nerve-wracking situations, like awaiting the results after a crucial exam, Shadow would quiver distractingly, throwing me off-balance. Talking to her helped. Understanding the way she saw the world, and listening intently, helped me understand that her reactions come from a place of survival and concern. She saw the test results differently. I learned that the weight felt unbearable to her because of how badly she wanted to do well. And I was able to let her know that, it does feel uncomfortable to sit in uncertainty, but that’s OK and if she did her best, that is what mattered the most. I noticed Shadow calm in that moment, and reassuring her when she needs has been a constant habit for me since then.
Her and I work closely though, and talking to her isn’t the only way I can center her. When fear sets her off, taking a step to calm down seems to echo in her behavior. With every deep breath I take, I notice her movement a bit more controlled, her twisted form a bit more like herself. My toolkit became stronger as I learned to embrace her. The key was in controlling reactivity. Pausing when she became overwhelmed, and instead of diving head first into the tidal wave of emotion, I found ways to soothe her and decrease the intensity of her distress.
Living with Shadow is a blessing now that we communicate well. Her open eyes and attunement to the world is like a weather vane that immediately alerts me to things I should consider looking into. Sometimes, the storm is really a storm, and other times, I can laugh when she tips me off to a gentle breeze. Her keenness is a tool that I’ve grown to cherish that helps me stay in tune with my emotions and more prepared for whatever may come my way.
Thanks for reading! Within the next few weeks, I’ll be posting part 4 of this Shadow series. Follow me here to get updated when it’s live! And click to follow me on instagram here.
